Triggers

******* Trigger Warning, Read with Caution *******

For me, personally, living with my conditions (Major Depressive Disorder, ADHD, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder etc) I personally find that having Nox in my life has made me able to actually, cope. This is the real nitty gritty side of why I have him. 

With the depression, he helps me not feel alone, he lets me know that even when I "feel" alone, and like no one cares, that he's there. I know logically that my family does care, I just don't want to be a burden to them all the time, of them telling me they love me, they care, see how I'm doing 24/7, even though I know they would, living in another state it can still be hard. I'm a very physical person, I require lots of hugs, and with everything that's happening with Covid right now, I can't get that. So he cuddles, gives me the physical interaction and connection that I need to feel like I can survive. 

With the anxiety, oh boy big topic. Do I live in a neighborhood where there's been break-ins? Yes. Is my dog a big intimidating, looks like a wolf like dog? Yes. Would he protect me? Honestly, probably not, he'd probably bring them a toy. But that's how I raised him, because if I have a medically emergency he needs to know it's ok for people to come help me. When my legs start to bounce when I set, when my heart starts to race, he just knows and comes over by me to lay and acts like "Mom, are you ok? I'm here, it's going to be ok" and I just instantly feel better. Living with anxiety isn't something that you can just turn off. It's not something you can just put on the back burner and "not worry about" so having Nox makes things easier.

With ADHD, he honestly helps me focus. In situations like this, you would think that he'd be a distraction, that I'd be more focused on him than doing my job, it's actually the opposite. Having him with me, one, makes me less worried, because I'm not without him, not knowing if he is ok. Also, he provides a reminder that what I'm doing is not only making money, but also providing for him and helps me focus to follow through on my work tasks.

With the PTSD, this is the biggest one. I intentionally put this one at the bottom because it's hard for me to talk about. I am absolutely terrified, of the word "Needle" the word alone is a PTSD trigger, so writing about it is even hard for me. When I was young, I had a traumatic experience and to this day, it's more than a little kid being afraid of a shot. I can't be around safety pins, or go into a doctor's office unless they know. It's like something comes over me and I get that feeling of being locked in a room with no doors, and all the walls are closing in around me, everything is dark, all the air is being sucked out of the room, and I'm blind. There's no amount of medication, or sedation that can calm me. When I have to have blood work done I have to be so sedated it's like I'm on anesthesia and my body will still be in fight or flight mode. Working in healthcare I come across this trigger over the phone a lot. Coping is having Nox with me, working from home, knowing there's none in my home, and knowing I'm ok. I haven't gotten to the point where I can bring him with me to an appointment where I know I'll have it done, just because neither he, nor I am ready for that yet, but it will come with time.


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